If Phelps were a Chinese athlete…

Found on dzh.mop.com, the question “What if Michael Phelps were Chinese?” turns into a shaggy dog story, with an ending that Chinese readers see coming a mile away.

…

THE POST:

If Phelps is a Chinese Athlete…

If Phelps is a Chinese athlete, and as a Chinese wins the magic 8 gold medals in the Olympic Games, then what will happen?

First, the threshold of his house will be flattened by billions of journalists, leaders, and neighbors coming to interview his relatives during the Olympics. And everyday, in his house, the common room will be crowded with people watching the games together, and hawkers will take the opportunity to sell fireworks around his house.

He will be awarded various prizes from provincial and national governments. You know, each gold medal is worth more or less 1 million RMB. And those rich entrepreneurs in China will also be quite generous towards Phelps. Besides that, hundreds of companies will come to ask him to appear in their advertisements. Not surprisingly, within one month after the Olympic Games, he will become a multi-billionaire.

Of course, he needs to pay taxes, and in lieu of the taxes American citizens pay, he’ll need to pay lots of taxes with Chinese characteristics. He needs to send each of his teachers, from kindergarten to the current national team, from his masseuse to the chef in the canteen, a red envelope with a large amount of money inside. And his relatively poor relatives will also count on him to donate some RMB to them. Moreover, all the organizations or clubs he belongs to will also require a portion of his total income.

After the Olympic Games, he will first join a group of athletes to make speeches all over the country, telling the general public anecdotes of competing for his eight medals. With tears, he needs to express his feelings of being trained harshly to the people and he’d better make the audiences cry.

He will definitely be invited to take part in the Famous Performance presented by CCTV on the eve of the 2009 Spring Festival. Perhaps he will join a show with Gong Hanlin or Pan Changjiang.

He will soon be elected to the Congress of People’s Deputies, and in March next year he will be on the rostrum for the annual government meeting in the Great Hall of the People.

You will see his face everywhere around China; the Association of Advertising will paste his head all over the vast land of China. From the airport’s huge billboards to the bus station, from exquisite window displays to shabby grocery shop counters, open your eyes and you can see him, all the time and everywhere.

After the 2009 National Games, he will retire. China’s top athletes always quit at this very moment.

After retirement, he will be recruited by Peking University. And after a year’s study, he will graduate smoothly and at least get a master’s degree. During studies, he will also appear in ten movies, take part in dozens of TV variety shows, and appear in hundreds of different ceremonies.

Finally, after several years, Michael Phelps will emigrate to the United States, to become an American citizen. ❑

– Translated by Susan Zhao

ORIGINAL STORY: 如果菲尔普斯是一位中国运动员